I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
