I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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