Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
