my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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