Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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