I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
