Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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