I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
