I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
