Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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