it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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