I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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