you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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