Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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