So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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