apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
