I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
