Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
