just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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