My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
