the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I supernannyed him into submission
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
