I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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