What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
