Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
