You smell like stripper and shame
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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