so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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