The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want to make out with him forever
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
