I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
