just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
