***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
