$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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