i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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