Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
