Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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