Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Randomize
