are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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