My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
