i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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