Where is the hickey?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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