Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
