watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
