Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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