i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
