I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
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