So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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