I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize