I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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