new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
