When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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