Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
