There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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