Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
