i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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