why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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