I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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