fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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