I want to have your abortion
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
