I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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