I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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