she sounds like chewbacca in bed
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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