I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
