is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
