Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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