he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
