im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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